Good afternoon ramblers!
Today we are going to talk about a very hard topic so I will say take this as your *trigger warning*
Back in January we decided that we wanted to start trying for another baby. At the time we felt Louise was old enough that she would be okay and we wanted our kids to be close in age, as Riley and his sister are and myself and my sister are. With Louise it took us a little over 6 months to conceive so when we conceived on our first cycle we were both shocked! I knew right away I was pregnant, it was just like the first time; couldn’t stop sleeping, all I wanted were smoothies or milkshakes, and I cried….A LOT. So it was no surprise that we found out at 4 weeks pregnant, I believe I was that early along when I found out about Louise ( I must have some sixth sense haha)
We were so over the moon. But that didn’t stop the lingering thoughts of ‘oh no what did we do’. I was filled with constant worry about Louise and would she feel neglected or the silly thoughts I’m sure every mom goes through the second time around ‘how can I love anything as much as I love my first born’. So my stress levels were high, but I tried to continue on as normal with my gym schedule and regular routine. I had just recently quit my full-time job so thankfully that stress was out of the picture! Looking back at this photo I feel so silly for taking a ‘4 weeks pregnant’ photo, I mean let’s get real that’s all tummy fat haha but another part of me will always cherish this photo because it’s the only photo I have of my short pregnancy.
On the morning of March 4th I awoke before Riley and Louise and felt wet down below. I’m not one to have accidents so I knew something was up. I rushed to the restroom and my pants and underwear were bloody. Now in the beginning of my pregnancy with Louise I had some pretty heavy bleeding due to a hemorrhage behind where she attached. But this time I knew it wasn’t that, I swear I could feel it in my soul. It was over. My baby who we already loved so much and never got to meet was gone. The only thought running through my head though was I didn’t want to wake anyone up. So I jump into a hot shower and cried. I couldn’t tell you how long I was in there but long enough for the hot water to run out. I couldn’t even cry anymore, it was like I had no more tears. But then I started feeling silly, I’m only 6 weeks pregnant it’s not even far enough along to mourn a loss (which is oh so wrong). So I got ready for the day and woke Riley up. I can’t remember exactly but I’m pretty sure all he got was a “I’m miscarrying.” Confused is an understatement and as the days have gone on I really wish I would have broke the news a little softer, after all he’s mourning a loss too. I will never know how excited he truly was or how often he thought about our new baby (I know it was on my mind daily those few short weeks).
I’ve never been the best at coping or showing my true emotions ( I blame the trauma of losing my father at a young age and no one really expressing their feelings about it). So I continued on with my ‘nothing is happening, I’m totally okay’ attitude and went to the gym. I know what you’re thinking, what is wrong with this chick?! I wish I knew the answer to that because it’s now over two months since my miscarriage and I’ll never understand why the gym was my answer. Maybe it’s because the gym is the only place I can really work on my emotions and feelings without actually having to say anything, who knows. So after that Riley and I decided okay we really should get me to the doctor. My OB got me in ASAP that morning and ran all the tests and did a pelvic exam to make sure nothing else was going on. She sent me on my way after a blood draw to see where my levels were at. So after leaving the doctors I was still in a numb state of mind and decided ‘hey nows a good time to go to Ikea and buy a new couch’, I mean really? So the day went on as normal as it could with no other talk of miscarriage.
The hardest part was watching my positive pregnancy tests turn negative. But the bleeding continued on pretty badly and I ended up finding myself late at night alone in the ER. I told Riley I was fine and to stay home with Louise because I didn’t feel it was right to keep a one year old up late in a germy place. But looking back I truly wish I had someone there with me. I sat alone for hours crying the loss of my baby. Doctors, nurses, patients all zooming by giving the odd glance. Until God sent me someone to help me. In comes the housekeeper. She asks me if it’s okay to come and tidy up a bit seeing as I’m in the middle of another crying fest. I say it’s fine because deep down I was tired of being alone. So for about 45 mins she talks, not expecting me to answer back. She tells me about her night, her job, herself, and then starts talking about her faith. She wasn’t prompted to do so and she had no idea what I was going through and never asked. But there I sat hearing God’s words and love pour through this stranger and I started to feel the healing process begin. It’s been over two months now and not a day goes by that I don’t think about this lady and what she did for me. I still keep my hospital bracelet in my bedside drawer as a reminder.
Two months have gone by and I’m slowly healing everyday. I still constantly wonder what did I do wrong? What caused this? In fact I cried to my husband the other day because it was supposed to be my 2-month bump date, and I’m sure more of those days will come. But I counter them with days filled with love and laughter of my daughter Louise, mornings alone to think and workout at the gym, going to church and thanking God for all he’s done for me and my family. Life after loss isn’t easy, I’ve had to do it way too many times for the short 25 years I’ve been here. But it does get better, you hurt less, you love more, and you never forget those who are gone. Going through a miscarriage is something I hope none of you ever face but if you unfortunately find yourself doing so or already have just know that the ones around you love you and though they may seem uncomfortable with the topic it’s okay to talk about it and your feelings and loss. Or if you need to my inbox is always open to listen or talk, let me be your cleaning lady! For now we have no plans of trying for another, we want to take this time to heal and love on our sweet first born a little bit longer. And I may never know why this happened but I know it made me and my marriage a little bit stronger!
Stay strong & stay rambling mamas!
the rambling mom